Deep Thoughts

[jdotmi]

I'm tired. Alot. I think I'm finally hitting a wall in terms of working 55 hours a week, which I've been doing for pretty much the last 3 years. I don't know how much longer I'll be able to keep doing that. I constantly feel like I can't get enough sleep. Doesn't matter when I go to sleep, I just can't seem to get enough sleep. Even when I was working out I would be utterly exhausted. I had more energy, slightly, but I was still fighting off sleep by 8pm every night.

Everything seems to be getting complicated. Well, not entirely true. Things have always been complicated, I'm just noticing it more and, well, acknowledging it more.

I live with my ex. Traditionally, this is something people refer to as a "Bad Idea". I can't imagine why they would say this, but they do. Now, I don't mind living with my ex. We get along, usually. We know eachother really well, which is to be expected. I suppose the real problem is, well, having the feeling that it's not really over. I mean, not alot changed in terms of how we live our life. Seperate rooms, no sex. Yeah that's different. But, well, we never saw eachother much to begin with and from that statement alone you can figure out the entire sex bit. We support eachother, much as we did when we were still together. We're probably a little too reliant on eachother. I think that, perhaps, neither of us is willing to think about what our lives would be like if we actually, well, you know, left.

Part of me doesn't know if I can take care of myself. Part of me knows that I can. Part of me doesn't know if he can take care of himself. Part of me knows that he can. Part of me wonders if he realizes he can.

I told this guy that I really like that, well, I really liked him. Predictably, I got shot down. Well, ok maybe not "shot down", but, well, uh, shot down... The really stupid thing is I knew it was going to happen, and yet I did it anyway. We're still friends, which is good. I felt a little... awkward the last time I visited him though. Gee, can't imagine why.

I probably would have cried myself to sleep over that one if my roomate hadn't gotten home and been in a mood to talk. Of course, this means I didn't get to bed until, uh, 3:30 in the morning that night... had to get up at 7:00...

I talk to people online all day. I visit some people now and then. Usually visit someone every week, but not usually every day. I spend most of my day at work on the computer. I read journals constantly, I read news sites constantly, I come home and go online and read more journals, go chat on gay.com, chat with people on AIM. I'm trying to find something. I feel very lonely. Everytime I go online, though, I keep running into the same thing. There's nothing there. There are all these people out there looking for the same thing, but it's not anything that I want. Yeah, now and then a one night fling would be great. To be honest, though, I got tired of that years ago.

The people I want seem to be just leaving. Or not interested. Considering my track record with telling people I like them, I should just know better. I dunno, maybe I shouldn't be so picky. I suppose it is too much to ask for someone who's remotely intelligent, has more on his mind than his groin, and has more than a few passing interests in the same things I do. The only people I seem to actually get interested in me seem to be, well, messed up in the head in some fashion. Static cling is not your friend, especially when I haven't even met you yet.

*sigh*

I'm too tired to be posting right now. I always do stupid stuff when I'm tired. Oh well.

Comments

by Jack Handy

[stashulah.livejournal.com]

I know how you feel. I've had the same experience w/ men, except I think you've actually had a relationship that lasted longer than six weeks. I haven't. I know how to pick 'em, what can I say. There's always something that other people seem not to like- I'm too smart, too weird, too fat, too shy, etc. And while I've always been a bit of a loner, the lonliness gets to me at times. What's worse I think is feeling insane or unstable for it... However, I think in the long run we can't let this get to us. Sure we all have our issues that we need to grow on; no one's perfect. That doesn't mean that we can't have relationships and make them work. I think my biggest mistake in the past has been going for people who were there, or the pretty boys. I think I've learned about that... I know why I've been single for the last two and a half years- it's because I want a relationship that matters; I want something that's going to be there in the long run, I want love, and I'm not going to settle for any less. We all deserve love, and perhaps should expect it (although I'm more cynical and sometimes think we shouldn't expect anything other than taxes and death, but that's only when I'm in a bad mood!). It will get better- it has to...

As for the internet, there's not much here. I think I've read most of it, and I haven't found anything that keeps my attention span going! Anyhoo, hope all is well.