Nostalgia

[jdotmi]

So, started moving today. Um. Not sure what I think about it. Well, no, I like that we're moving. I like the new place. I like the washer and dryer. I like the central air. I like that we're on the top floor. I like the two bathrooms.

I hate having my own bedroom.

This sounds strange, yes, I know. But, you have to remember, I haven't had my own bedroom in over 3 years. And now, the person who I've shared that room with will be in a different room.

It's not easy. It's a very bittersweet move. I spent the entire night last night, before falling asleep, wishing that we weren't moving. Wishing I could go back a couple of weeks or a month and change something.

I started wondering why I was keeping a journal. I know why. I don't want to forget. Memories lose something over the years, you know?

I wish I could go back and start keeping a journal when I was a little kid. Heh, it's too bad it takes us so long to learn how to write coherently. I wonder what my journal would be like if I had one from the time I was 2 or 3 years old. Maybe I'd remember more about my parents. I remember small things. I know my dad used to take his false teeth out at the table when we would eat. I know my mom was very patient with me when I went through a "why" phase. Anything she said, I asked "why?"

I'd remember more of the people I went to school with in my first couple of schools. Maybe I'd even remember the name of my first Kindergarten teacher. I don't even remember the name of the school I went to in Jackson. I know I went to Woodsworth Elementary in Leslie when I moved in with my aunt and uncle there. I know my Kindergarten teacher there was Ms Angell. And I believe I had a Mrs. Angel for either 1st or 2nd grade there. I don't remember the other one I had. And I don't remember the name of my 2nd grade teacher from when I moved in with Aunt Carol. I know I went to Country Elementary, but that's about it. 3rd grade I started with Mrs Shaw, I think, but she moved to the south midway through the year and we got a new teacher. I don't remember her name right now. I should, though. I think it began with an H. 4th and 5th grade I remember. I had Mrs Piesko. I don't remember who taught us History though. We switched with another teacher. Mrs Piesko taught Science for both classes, and the other teacher taught History. Mrs Piesko got me to joing the Science Club. I really liked science. She was always saying how smart I was. She read "The Dark is Rising" to our class, and I have now read every book in that series. She wanted to hold me back in 4th grade because I would never turn in my work. Apparently I would have it done, and it would sit in my desk. She would show it to my Aunt Carol. Mrs Piesko wound up moving up to teaching 5th grade, and I stayed in her class. She was the biggest encouragement I had in school early on. I invited her to my Graduation Party. She actually came for a bit. I think she was surprised by the invitation. I graduated in the top 10% of my class. I guess she got through somehow.

When I was in Elementary school, I was a boy scout. Briefly. Very briefly. I didn't like being a boy scout, but I still cried alot when Aunt Carol made me stop going. It was either that or go to Awanas. I liked Awanas. Hated memorizing Bible Verses, but liked Awanas. We sang, we played games, and I wound up meeitng my best friend. You know that friend you have that you could not see for 2 years, call them on the phone, catch up in 30 minutes, and then spend the next two months visiting eachother and doing everything together? That's the kind of friend I met at Awanas. Can tell your deepest darkest fears to them and all. Ironic that it was at a Church group, considering the two of us are the most NON religious people I know. I mean, come on, we're gamers. Big time. Role Playing is in our blood for crying out loud.

Middle school I remember mostly. I don't remember all of my teachers, but I know I got detention once for telling a teacher that I hated her. I don't think I really hated her, I think I was just saying it because everyone else did. I know I was bored in her classes, though. I think I had her for social studies and math. I was very bored in those classes. That was 6th grade. I know I didn't hardly ever practice my clarinet for band. I still did really well in there, but my lack of practicing stuck me in Concert Band in 7th grade instead of Symphonic Band. I got into Symphonic in 8th grade though. Still rarely practiced. But I was a good player. Kept that trait up all through High School too. I wonder how good I would have been if I had practiced. 8th grade is kinda fuzzy. I was bored again. Liked some of my classes, hated others. Specifics? Couldn't really tell ya.

High school. I really really really wish I had a journal from High School. So much happened when I was in High School. I became a really good student. Yeah, I was still lazy, doing homework between classes, turning in half completed work, things like that. But I got incredible grades. I only got a couple of C's in High School. Got one in Biology (I detested that class more than anything) and once in Geometry because, go fig, I didn't do the homework. Lots of A's and B's though. I kept a really good grade point. Top 10% and all that. I got into Choir, found out I could sing sorta. Heh, correction, I found out I could sing, but to this day I don't think I'm a good singer despite all the evidence to the contrary.

I came to terms with being Gay in High School. I didn't come out, but I began accepting myself. When I was younger, I was terrified of growing up and still being gay. I know when I was in middle school and reading encyclopedias and dictionaries and medical books and searching out anything I could find in them on it I used to think that as long as I wasn't gay anymore when I became a teenager I was goign to be OK and wouldn't go to Hell. I thought that after you were a teenager that God held you responsible for your actions. Fortunately, I got over that. I started keeping a journal briefly when I was in High School. My junior year, in fact. I had fallen for a guy. Totally fallen. Huge crush. Of course, he's probably straight, and I haven't seen him now in 5 years. He's in Chicago now. He's an Actor, graduated from MSU with a degree in Theatre Arts. (As every fellow queer reading this journal goes "oh he HAS to be gay") He had a few girlfriends in High School. He never set off any "gaydar" at all. Now, this guy who came out in High School and a couple of people who I later learned for certain were gay set off the 'dar like there is no tomorrow. But this guy didn't. Hmm. Tempted to put his name here, but, well, not really wanting to expose myself quite THAT much. Even if just to my friends. Ok, his name is Dave Bendena. There, it's typed. :-p

I was a very very shy, very very introverted guy in High School. I didn't have very many friends. The last couple of years I started to open up. Drama Club and Choir really helped bring me out of the shell I was in. So did my Aunt Carol getting married. My Uncle Bill is a trip. I got a sense of humor from him. I never had one before. I think they're sorry I got his. ;-) I'm such a smartass now because of him. But, it helped me actually do things in High School. I acted in the last School Play we had when I was in High School. I played Deputy Governer Danforth in The Crucible. I got an award from the Drama Teacher for that role. Goldie. We wanted to call her Goldie. She didn't like that. So we had to call her Mrs. Goldstein. We had loved our Drama Teacher before her, Mr Brown. Jeff Brown, how generic a name is that? But, he was like a best friend and mentor to so many peopel. Heh, Mrs Goldstein had the cards stacked against her at the school. It's too bad too.

College. That would have been a good time to start keeping detailed track of my life. They say when you go off to college your entire life changes forever. They're not kidding. So much changed. I'm definitely not the same person I was when I graduated from Pinckney High School on June 9th, 1996. You do the numerics there and enjoy the joke. I came out in College. I was afraid to at frist. I looked in the campus newspaper and saw listings for meetings of a LGB student group. I finally convinced myself to go. I nearly had a heart attack my first time there. One of the students in my choir and opera workshop classes was there. Heh. He was a surprised to see me there as I was to see him there. Joining that group really opened me up alot. I feel so much more comfortable in my own skin because of it. I stayed active in the group, I even became the communications coordinator at one point. My inner activist came to life as it was. I was an RA my last year living on campus. I wish I could get that year back and do it over. So many things about that year went so incredibly wrong.

That was the catalyst. This journal, this move, this pain. It all started then. I think I knew then that this wasn't going to last forever. As much as I wanted it to last forever. As much as I still want it to last forever. I don't want to move. I don't want to lose this, but, at the same time, it's already gone. I tried so desperately at the end to hold on to it. I knew it was slipping away, and I panicked. I cried for so long. Weeks. I knew it was going to happen, I coudl feel it, and it felt like the world around me was falling apart. All of my dreams, my plans, my wishes, were vanishing before my eyes. Everything I wanted my life to be was being shredded in front of me. I tried so hard to save it, but I couldn't. I hadn't tried hard enough to keep it. I hadn't been what I needed to be. I couldn't be what I needed to be. I hated myself so much because I couldn't even do this right.

But, it wasn't me. I knew that, I know that. I didn't do anything wrong. The pain I was feeling, that I am feeling, isn't because of something I did. It's because someone else doesn't know what he wants, and he's hell bent on making himself unhappy. He'll find some way to be miserable. He gave me a dirty look once when I mentioned that. Heh, talking about our new apartment. He said he would be so happy to be there and out of this place. I told him he'd find something to complain about.

One week. We're moving over a week. Day by day, piece by piece, threads are being undone. I know what will happen on that last day. Everything will hit me. All of it. I will cry. Not just the crying I've been doing. I've been in pain, my soul has ached. But, on that last day, my soul, if only for a moment, will break. 4 years of emotion will pour out, and I will be empty for a time.

Oh god... Song just started on winamp... Heh. One that always made me think of him.

Comments

Geez....

[wfrezzen.livejournal.com]

Ok...I HAD to read it....you made me CRY. I know EXACTLY how you feel moving. Your life as you knew it for so long was changing, just like my marriage. Wanting to go back and change things,etc etc etc. I know what you're going through. I can't even bring myself to listen to our WEDDING SONG yet. I want to, but I know I will cry. Still TOO PAINFUL and it's been almost 6 months since we legally separated. There will be better days! TRUST ME!